We were stuck at an impasse, with the finish line in sight.
I had a list of more than 500 requirements related to a project and I had the job of determining if/how each one of those requirements applied to 20 different aspects of the project. In essence, this boiled down to getting agreement on 10,000+ decision points. If this sounds like a thankless task, you would not be wrong. It was also an incredible opportunity to learn - both from a technical and leadership standpoint.
Over the course of 9 months, I worked with 25+ people to understand the nuances of both the requirements and the various pieces of the project. Some were Subject Matter Experts (SMEs) of the requirements, others were designing or executing the individual parts of the project. It was not uncommon for me to have to sift through several different opinions/viewpoints on a topic to determine the best path forward, then gain consensus on that determination.
My last step in this effort was gathering 8 or so stakeholders, whose signature would provide closure to my efforts, for one last review before routing the document for approvals. I was feeling good about how quickly we were breezing through the review, a testament to the coordination work I'd put in, when suddenly a colleague came across a detail with which they had an issue. After a healthy debate about the topic, everyone but my colleague agreed. I adjourned the meeting with the plan to reconvene in the next day to give everyone time to further consider the issue before we moved through the rest of the list.
My colleague dug their heels in. My better self had called in sick that day, so I responded by digging my heels in even deeper than them...with predicable results - the impasse. I can't remember the last time I was that frustrated. There were many side conversations; I complained to our manager, who opted to let us work it out rather than stepping in; and I was tearing my hair out trying to work through resolving the impasse. After a couple of sleepless nights, I had a conversation with a team member in which they asked if I'd be willing to remove myself from the room and agree to the team's final decision if my colleague agreed to do the same. This was a no-brainer, I knew the team and I were in alignment - my effort would get completed AND I'd be right. To my colleague's credit, they also agreed.
The team came to an agreement on that and all remaining items, I got the signatures I needed, and the thankless effort was complete.
This was an eye-opening experience for me. Once I had some distance from the incident and was able to look back, I realized that my downfall was focusing on having to be "right" and thinking everyone should agree with me because I was right. My tunnel vision caused me to dismiss someone else's decision simply because it wasn't the same as mine. Thank goodness for the team member with the creative solution. I'd like to think I would have been as agreeable as my colleague if the shoe had been on the other foot. At a minimum, I suspect that version of me would have needed some very serious convincing. As leaders, it's imperative that we consider our motives because the decisions we make have broadly reaching impacts - often far beyond what we imagine in the moment.
The colleague in question was someone with whom I'd developed a friendship. Our families socialized together on several occasions. After this incident our relationship showed signs of obvious damage. We were civil to each other when work required us to interact, but the camaraderie was gone, and the social calendar was empty. It knew it was on me to try to heal the relationship. I spent two weeks licking my wounds before putting my big person panties on and setting up a time to meet with my colleague. I started by owning my bad behavior and emphasizing that our relationship was too important to me to throw away. By setting this tone, I opened the door for them to own their bad behavior and for us to forge a path back to camaraderie at work and friendship outside of work. This was one of the first times I initiated a difficult conversation. At the time I was running on instinct, but looking back, the key element to this conversation being successful was my willingness to be vulnerable - not an easy feat for a recovering perfectionist!
What are your motives for the decisions you make? Are you making decisions based on wanting to be right or based on what's right for those involved? As a leader, is your participation helping the team or are you getting in their way?
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