"I didn't mean to make you cry." ~ My leader, to me.
A series of events over several weeks led to the moment before this statement was uttered. My leader delivered their decision on the matter. A decision that they knew (or should have known if they'd been paying attention) wasn't going to land well.
The tears that came on fast and furiously represented a swirl of simultaneous feelings and emotions, including ...
- undervalued
- betrayed
- dismissed
- disrespected
- frustrated
- angry
- unpleasantly surprised
- penalized (for being a woman)
- like I'd failed my team
- that my efforts to stand up for myself were all for naught
Then they dug the hole deeper by saying they didn't mean to make me cry. Add disgusted to that list. At the time I need a box of tissues and a few moments feel the emotions and then compose myself before exiting their office. What I got instead was a passive aggressive request to stop crying because it made them uncomfortable.
When I entered the workforce, I quickly received three clear messages about emotions in the workplace: 1) For the most part, emotions were discouraged in the workplace 2) Men*, mostly those in leadership, were allowed to occasionally express anger, which was considered a show of strength. 3) Women* were considered aggressive if they displayed anger, weak if they showed tears,
By the time I sat in that leader's office, I had realized that the issue with tears is that they made people uncomfortable. That's their problem. Given the range of topics that get discussed in my office, I find it behooves me to keep a box of tissues handy. People are always quick to apologize and try to stop crying right away, so they are surprised and grateful when I hand them a tissue, tell them it's a safe space and give them time to cry it out. For the record it's not just the ladies.
Emotions are human. Asking people to repress emotions at work just exacerbates whatever they are feeling. As leaders it's our job to provide a safe environment for humans to human aka to express emotions in a way that is safe for the employee and the rest of the team.
Some thoughts about handling common emotions in the workplace:
- Anger and Frustration - The expression of anger and frustration can look similar. Loud, violent verbal outbursts compromise the feeling of safety for folks in the vicinity. It's more appropriate to take a moment in a private space to take some deep breaths or to go outside and stomp around the block until the emotion has run its course.
- Sadness - Life can be heavy sometimes and we shouldn't have to put on a happy face just because we are at work. Shortly after my mom passed away, I saw a colleague in the hall, and they asked how I was doing. When I told them things were rough, they confided in me that their spouse had just been diagnosed with late-stage cancer. They had two little people at home. Heavy indeed. By acknowledging each other's pain, we each walked away a little bit lighter. That was a much better outcome than both of us pretending nothing was wrong.
- Happiness - The expression of happiness at work is often viewed as suspicious. I've had the experience of walking down the hall at work with a big smile on my face and having someone come up to me and say, "What are you so happy about?" in a derogatory tone. When did we decide people can't be happy while they are at work? Smiles can be contagious and they may be just the thing someone needs to brighten their day. Let's normalize sharing our happiness at work.
- Pride - Every day at work, people are asked to accomplish challenging tasks, solve difficult problems and push the boundaries of what is possible. When we are successful, we have every right to be proud of our work and take a minute to celebrate. As leaders, it's our job to make sure the team stops to recognize their accomplishments and take pride in what they've done. Celebrating the small wins along the way is just as important as the big win at the end of the project.
Acknowledging the humanity of your team and providing a safe space for the expression and processing of emotions will make you a stronger leader than most I've come across. When we treat our team members like the humans they are, we can build and maintain their trust. Everyone deserves to work for and with people they trust.
* The gendered terms are used in the context of what the workplace culture deemed acceptable in that environment at that time.
How do emotions show up in your workplace? Do you provide a safe space for your team members to express and process emotions?
I'd love to hear from you. Please comment below or send me a note via the Connect section of the home page.
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