"Feedback is a gift." These are the last words I was expecting to hear from that particular employee , yet those are the words they said.
Two days earlier, someone from the team my employee was working on called me to share some challenges the team was having with them. As a manager in a matrixed organization, I didn't have daily insight into the comings and goings of any of my direct reports. My information about how things were going with any given employee either came from them, through the grapevine or calls like this one. The information I received on the call didn't seem like the whole story, so I did some digging and talked to several other folks on that team before approaching the employee.
After gathering the best information I could find, I contemplated my approach. I'd just finished a seminar about difficult conversations in which one of the tools discussed was delivering the message in 60 seconds or less. Sixty seconds isn't much time, which is the point - share the message quickly and factually, stating the issue including the behavior and the subsequent results. I crafted my message to be "this is what has been reported to me, and this is the outcome".
The conversation took place during a regularly scheduled 1:1 that had already been on the calendar that week. The meeting was set up to be via video call or in person depending on what that employee had on their schedule. It turned out to be via video call, which turned out to be a good thing. After our usual greetings I delivered my message. Then waited for the employee to receive the message and respond. It's difficult to predict how people will respond to difficult feedback. I had not been expecting the tongue lashing I got. I don't remember exactly what was said, but it wasn't appropriate to a professional setting. The response was clearly coming from a place of hurt (and probably some fear mixed in) about the situation and as the messenger, I was an easy target. The call ended quickly, with no real resolution. The employee obviously needed time to process.
A couple of hours later, they asked if I had time for another call. They started with an apology for the way they responded and made the comment about feedback being a gift. At this point we were able to talk through the issue at hand and come up with a plan to turn things around.
The story above involved feedback about an area for opportunity to do better, but it's important to remember to give feedback to reinforce positives as well. In fact, in a world where negativity is the center of attention, it's crucial to provide positive feedback to our employees.
Sharing constructive feedback isn't easy. Making sure that the feedback you are providing truly is constructive is a huge step in making the conversation easier and lends you credibility. I once had someone provide feedback that was so bogus the person delivering it clearly hadn't done their homework. They lost so much credibility that day, I took every future thing they said with a huge mound of salt.
These are some things I find helpful when preparing to deliver feedback:
- Check in with yourself: Are you going into the feedback conversation from a place of goodness? If you take unresolved frustrations or other negative energy into the conversation, you're setting yourself up for escalation. Take a step back to regroup if needed.
- There are two sides to every story: Do your research and get as much information as you can before your feedback conversation. Rember that there are often two sides to a story, leave room for the receiver to share their version if appropriate.
- Be prepared for emotions: Humans have emotions and they often rise to the forefront during feedback conversations...and not just the "negative" feedback conversations. I've seen just as many, if not more, tears for positive feedback situations. People are often so relieved or grateful to hear positive feedback that they're brought tears, which just goes to show that we don't share positive feedback nearly enough.
- Allow for space: About those emotions...make space for them. If someone needs to vent, give them space before continuing the conversation. If someone needs to cry, same goes. Pro tip, keep a box of tissues handy because you never know when you'll need them.
Do you pause to review your approach before providing feedback? Are you making a concerted effort to share positive feedback freely and often? Did you ever have a feedback situation that went sideways?
I'd love to hear from you. Please comment below or send me a note via the Connect section of the home page.
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