Leader: Is that your experience or feedback people have actually given you? Sometimes leaders hide behind their team members when they're afraid to share feedback directly.
Me: speechless
This happened in a conversation I had with a leader who prided themselves on being inclusive and open-minded. Multiple times I heard them say they were willing to consider other people's thoughts and ideas. Then they showed their true colors. They'd asked me a question, presenting themselves as being curious about what I had to say - until I took a risk and provided true feedback rather than doing the "safe" thing and adjusting my response to what was expected.
Here's the thing. My feedback wasn't even outrageous. It simply didn't align with the leader's perception of the situation. It conflicted with the commonly accepted view of the culture.
Once I'd regained my speech, explained that not only was it my experience, several people had come to me with similar stories. I was not hiding behind my team. I was relaying a shared experience. The leader dismissively proceeded to share that they'd spoken with many people and hadn't heard the feedback I'd shared. Having been thoroughly gaslighted, I didn't bother to point out that 1) they had a more intimidating title than me and 2) they hadn't built a relationship with the folks in question. They had no reason to feel safe sharing feedback with this leader that could be considered a criticism. Rightly so.
The leader would probably be surprised to hear that they lost me that day. Lost my trust, lost credibility and lost any incentive to give them more than my absolute minimum. I maintained a friendly working relationship with the leader because I knew I'd need to leverage that on behalf of my team, but I knew not to count on them or trust them about anything after that day.
Truly listening is hard under the best conditions. As humans we're bound to screw it up in the normal course of things. In this age of technology, we're constantly getting pings, dings and rings, making it even harder. It's challenging to stay focused on any one thing for more than a couple of seconds - which is why actively listening is even more impactful.
- Give your undivided attention - Your undivided attention is a gift - not only to the person you're listening to, but also to yourself. People have come to expect divided attention these days. Providing undivided attention is an indication that what the person has to say is important - and it is. Many valuable insights are shared in 1:1 conversations and when I make an effort to be present, I always come away having learned something. The "something" ranges from a new fact about the team member, an insight into team dynamics, a short cut on a time-consuming task or a really useful life hack. As leaders, sometimes we're awaiting time-sensitive information. In these cases I like to give the person a heads up so that if I ask them to pause briefly or if I glance down at my phone, it's due to an extenuating circumstance. In my experience these occasions are rare.
- Be prepared for responses you aren't expecting - My brain has a habit of trying to predict what someone is going to say. This has gotten me into trouble more than once, so I consciously practice waiting to hear a person's response instead of jumping to conclusions. When hearing something unexpected, practicing curiosity is a great way to deepen the conversation. (After the conversation has ended, I also find it beneficial to go back and practice curiosity about why I expected a different response.)
- Bring Empathy - Empathy is a valuable leadership tool that rarely comes up in leadership training. As humans, sharing stories of our challenges and our victories is a way to help process our feelings and emotions. A "Wow, that sounds like it was incredibly frustrating!", or "Gosh, I definitely would have needed a few minutes to cool off (after that situation).", makes the other person feel seen and helps them let go rather than hanging on to their frustration and anger. We often forget empathy for the "fun" stuff - "It must feel great to have accomplished (the thing). I know how hard you worked to make that happen."
- It's not about having all the answers - I'm trained as an engineer; we specialize in problem solving. It took me a long time to learn that listening and providing the answers weren't the same thing. It turns out people need to vent more often than they need help finding the answers. The more I interact with a particular person, the better I get at sussing out what they are looking for in a given situation. When I'm not sure I like to ask, "What do you need from me, are you just venting, are you looking for a sounding board or would you like help identifying possible solutions?".
- Acknowledge/Apologize when you screw up - Despite my best intentions to stay focused, there are times/days when I am more easily distracted than others. We're human - it happens to the best of us. I find it's best just to own it. "Oh gosh, I got distracted. What you have to say is important to me. Could you please repeat what you just said?"
Listening is the most important leadership skill in my opinion. When I listen attentively to my team, I learn what motivates them, what challenges they are facing and what kind of support would be helpful. Only then am I able to provide them the leadership they need and deserve.
How well do you truly listen? Are you prone to being distracted by tech or that leftover dessert in the fridge with your name on it? What can you do to be a better listener?
I'd love to hear from you. Please comment below or send me a note via the Connect section of the home page.
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